should be exciting and fun testing one’s wings with the safety and freedom to fall and soar.
This is especially true when talking about the new concept of dating! It is a time to start to explore what one is looking for in a companion and partner, and how to translate a secure relationship with one’s caregivers to a healthy romantic relationship.
Unfortunately, not all children grow up in a home with healthy relationships. A significant number of teens are learning about relationships from social media, music, television, and the movies or their peers. These influences do not always portray relationships with mutual respect, healthy boundaries, support, care, and freedom for authenticity and individuality.
February is Teen Dating Violence (TDV) Awareness Month
TDV is a form of intimate partner violence that occurs between two people in a close relationship. TDV impacts boys, girls, and non-binary individuals. The Center for Disease Control includes four main types of behavior:
Physical Violenceis when an individual hurts or attempts to hurt their partner using physical force either exerted with their body or an object.
Sexual violenceis forcing or attempting a partner to engage in sexual touching, a sex act, or non-physical sexual activity (e.g., sexting) when the partner does not or is unable to consent.
Psychological aggression or emotional abuseis the use of verbal and non-verbal communication to belittle, intimidate, threaten, coerce, or harm another personal and/or exert control over the individual.
Stalkingis a pattern of repeated, unwanted attention by a partner or former partner that causes fear or concern for one’s own safety or the safety of someone close to the victim.
Did you know youth ages 12 to 19 experience the highest rates of sexual assault?
Studies also have found that at least 1 in 10 teens have been emotionally or physically abused by a dating partner. Girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence, almost triple the national average. The impacts of violence in early romantic relationships normalizes these behaviors and can distort an individual’s definition of love. It is shown that the severity
of intimate partner violence in adulthood is often greater in cases where the pattern of abuse was established in the formative teen years.
How does this relate to trafficking?
Traffickers often pose as romantic partners to young people using promises of love, affection, and large romantic gestures to earn their trust, only to later exploit their partner using the relationship as leverage. Individuals who have grown up in abusive or neglectful households or have experienced violence in a relationship themselves are at increased risk for exploitation. Additionally, research has linked violence in teen dating relationships to increased risk of further intimate partner violence, substance abuse, and risky behavior.
Normalizing the link between violence and love makes survivors of teen dating abuse the perfect target of traffickers.
For many families and schools, talking about trafficking is a new concept and it may seem overwhelming and daunting. As a preventionist, I say, that is completely understandable. Why don’t we instead teach our young people about healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships. If that is the case, regardless of whether an individual is being abused by a romantic partner, a trafficker, or a trafficker posing as a romantic partner, we can recognize that it is NOT love and NOT ok.
Aside from recognizing they are in an abusive relationship; another obstacle is that often teens don’t know who to go to for help. If their grown-ups are not aware of the partner or maybe don’t approve of their partner, often teens are scared to share that this person they have strong feelings for is making them uncomfortable or is hurting them. Often, isolation is part of the abuse. Abusive partners and traffickers often feed lies to the teen, encouraging them to believe their friends and family cannot be relied upon, trusted, or capable of love.
This month as we raise awareness let us also recognize our role as upstanders. In expressing our concern, intervening, and letting the young people in our lives know we are here to support them and not judge them.
There is no shame- only love.
Practical Tools to Start the Conversation Today
An incredible national organization focused on addressing TDV, Love Is Respect, published what they refer to as the dating relationship spectrum. The spectrum provides a great visual to talk through with the young people in your life.
Red flags and warning signs of Teen Dating Violence for friends, grown-ups, and upstanders:
Sudden change in academic performance
Missed classes
Anxiety around conflicts
Unexplained/unrealistic explanation for injuries
Change in appearance or dress
Withdrawal from friends, family and/or activities
Depression
Spending enormous amounts of time with partner
Constant phone calls, texts, and visits
Constantly having to “check-in” with partner
Apologizing or making excuses for partner’s inappropriate behavior
Seems worried of upset about upsetting partyer
Participating in sexual contact or risky behavior they were not previously comfortable with
For help one can call the National Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474 or text “LOVEIS” to 22522 or chat at www.loveisrespect.org.
Other great resources including informative videos:
What if my partner is inconsistent or flaky with plans?
Inconsistency or flakiness in a partner's plans may indicate a lack of commitment or respect for your time. It's essential to communicate your feelings openly and set clear expectations for a healthier relationship. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How do I deal with a partner who lies to me?
Dealing with a partner who lies can be challenging; open communication is essential. Discuss your feelings, seek understanding, and consider whether this pattern affects your trust and relationship health. Prioritize your well-being and seek support if needed from Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What if my partner gets angry when I say no?
If your partner gets angry when you say no, it’s a red flag indicating a lack of respect for your boundaries, which is unhealthy behavior. Healthy relationships rely on mutual understanding and communication. Seek support from resources like Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How can I tell if my partner is hiding something from me?
Signs that your partner may be hiding something include changes in their behavior, such as being secretive, avoiding certain topics, or displaying newfound defensiveness. Trust your instincts and communicate openly to address any concerns. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How do you identify emotional manipulation in a partner?
Identifying emotional manipulation in a partner involves recognizing patterns of control, such as constant criticism, guilt-tripping, and gaslighting, which can undermine your self-esteem and sense of reality. Seek help and support from Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How do I know if my partner is using guilt trips on me?
Determining if your partner is using guilt trips involves noticing patterns where they manipulate your emotions by making you feel responsible for their feelings or actions. If you frequently feel pressured to apologize or change your behavior out of fear of disappointing them, it's a sign of guilt-tripping. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How do I know if my partner is emotionally unavailable?
Signs that your partner may be emotionally unavailable include a lack of deep conversations, avoidance of intimacy, and difficulty expressing feelings. Recognizing these behaviors is crucial for understanding relationship dynamics. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
Can jealousy be a sign of love or control?
Jealousy can often be a sign of control rather than love, as it may indicate possessiveness and insecurity in a relationship. Understanding this distinction is crucial for recognizing unhealthy dynamics. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
Should I be concerned about their extreme jealousy?
Extreme jealousy in a partner can be a red flag, indicating possessiveness and control, which may lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics. It's important to take such behavior seriously. Seek guidance and support from resources like Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How can I identify manipulative behavior in my partner?
Identifying manipulative behavior in your partner involves recognizing patterns such as excessive control, guilt-tripping, emotional outbursts, or frequent shifts in blame. Trust your instincts; if something feels off, it’s important to seek support from resources like Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What are the most common dating red flags to look out for?
The most common dating red flags to look out for include possessiveness, excessive jealousy, manipulation, isolation from friends and family, and disrespectful behavior. Recognizing these signs is crucial for ensuring healthy relationships and preventing further issues. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What if my partner has a history of cheating or dishonesty?
Having a partner with a history of cheating or dishonesty can indicate potential trust issues, which may complicate the relationship. It's essential to communicate openly about concerns and set clear expectations moving forward with support from resources like Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What are the common red flags in teenage relationships?
Common red flags in teenage relationships include excessive jealousy, controlling behavior, isolation from friends and family, constant criticism, and fear of conflict. Recognizing these signs is vital for promoting healthy relationships and preventing abuse, as emphasized by Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
Can sudden mood swings be a red flag in teens?
Sudden mood swings in teens can indeed be red flags, as they may indicate emotional distress or unhealthy relationship dynamics. It's essential to monitor these changes, as they can signal underlying issues related to dating violence or exploitation. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What if my partner doesnt respect my boundaries or privacy?
If your partner doesn't respect your boundaries or privacy, it is essential to address the issue directly, as this behavior can indicate a lack of respect and control. Prioritize your well-being and seek support from trusted friends or organizations like Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What are signs of controlling behavior in a partner?
Signs of controlling behavior in a partner include constant criticism, isolation from friends and family, frequent monitoring of communications, and making unilateral decisions about your life. Recognizing these red flags is crucial for healthy relationships. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How can I confront my partner about lying?
Confronting your partner about lying requires honesty and openness; approach the conversation calmly, express your feelings, and ask for their perspective. This can foster trust and understanding, leading to healthier communication in your relationship with Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What actions indicate emotional unavailability in relationships?
Actions that indicate emotional unavailability in relationships include avoiding deep conversations, being overly guarded, consistently prioritizing personal needs over the partner's, and showing indifference to emotional intimacy. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How to respond to excessive jealousy from my partner?
Excessive jealousy from a partner should be addressed with open communication and understanding. Express your feelings calmly, set boundaries, and encourage them to seek support if their jealousy stems from deeper issues. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What are the implications of a partner’s possessiveness?
The implications of a partner’s possessiveness can include emotional manipulation, isolation from friends and family, and increased risk of controlling behaviors, all of which can harm personal autonomy and mental health. Awareness of these signs is crucial for prevention, as emphasized by Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How can I differentiate between caring and controlling behavior?
Differentiating between caring and controlling behavior involves recognizing that caring supports independence and personal choice, while controlling often restricts freedom and demands obedience. Look for signs of respect versus manipulation. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What should I do if my partner avoids communication?
If your partner avoids communication, it's important to calmly express your feelings and concern, while also giving them space to share their thoughts when they're ready. Open dialogue is essential for a healthy relationship, as emphasized by Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How can I identify if Im being gaslighted?
Identifying if you’re being gaslighted involves recognizing persistent feelings of confusion, self-doubt, or questioning your reality after conversations with someone. If you often feel unheard or believe you're overreacting to significant issues, you may be experiencing gaslighting. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What steps can I take if trust is broken?
If trust is broken, consider open communication about feelings, setting boundaries, rebuilding trust gradually, and seeking professional support if needed to heal. It's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being during this process. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How to recognize signs of emotional abuse?
Recognizing signs of emotional abuse involves noticing patterns of manipulation, control, or belittlement that may leave the victim feeling isolated or worthless. Common indicators include constant criticism, gaslighting, and the intimidation of a partner. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What to do when my partner disregards my feelings?
When your partner disregards your feelings, it's important to communicate openly about how their behavior affects you and seek support from trusted friends or resources to address and understand these patterns. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How to establish boundaries with a manipulative partner?
Establishing boundaries with a manipulative partner involves clearly communicating your limits and consistently enforcing them. Stand firm in your decisions and prioritize your well-being to foster a healthier relationship dynamic. This approach is supported by Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
The signs of a toxic relationship include constant criticism, lack of support, jealousy, manipulation, and emotional or physical abuse. Recognizing these red flags is crucial for personal safety and well-being, as emphasized by Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
How should I respond to sudden changes in behavior?
The appropriate response to sudden changes in behavior involves maintaining open communication, expressing concern, and encouraging the individual to talk about their feelings or experiences. This approach fosters support and understanding, which is vital for those impacted by issues like teen dating violence, as highlighted by Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
When is it time to seek help in a relationship?
It is time to seek help in a relationship when you notice signs of emotional or physical abuse, ongoing conflict, or feelings of fear and isolation. Reaching out for support can provide clarity and safety. Ho’ōla Nā Pua.
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